2005 Beginners' 8th Kyu Grading
Julie:
I didn’t join kendo
to learn how to fight, or to even learn to wield a sword.
I
was hoping to find something to help me increase my self-confidence,
to give me something in my life that includes
people and pushes me to push
myself past the barriers that I’ve made in my own life.
It’s
not that simple.
I
thought I could put aside my own weaknesses and focus on learning – unfortunately with kendo putting aside fear, anxiety
and just a lack of self confidence isn’t possible even in learning
the basics.
I
don’t know how to say this properly. Kendo is more
than simply physical and I’m scared that mentally I’ll never
be strong enough for it despite what I wish.
How can you teach someone to be able to
look people in the eye, how can you teach someone to make a movement or
decision without questioning several times whether its right and being
too afraid to try it?
Nobody
else can do that for me and I don’t
really know where to start.
In respect to practice, I love aspects
of kendo. It is a true art form.
I
actually love the repetitive motions of practice – believe it or not I do practice at home. It’s
calming and soothing, sometimes just focusing on that is the best stress
relief that I could ever have. I love the search for perfection in every
single aspect of each movement - The constant self-challenge. However in
the end its simply another thing that I wish I could learn by myself.
In
case you haven’t noticed, I don’t
deal with people well. I don’t know how to relate to them, I hate
people looking at me and when it comes to being openly judged by them,
I panic. Sometimes more than other times.
Sorry,
this probably isn’t what
you wanted in respect to thoughts on kendo but I don’t know what
else to say.
I’ll
keep giving it a try I suppose, but only because it would feel too much
like running away if I was to give
up now.